Roaming Edition: On Top of the Food Chain

Man undoubtedly has been placed on top of the food chain by nature, by the universe, by God or whatever deity you believe in. We are veritably on top, for those of you that have any doubts walk into a Brazilian restaurant, whatever doubts you walked in with you will leave there on your way out.

As an African man, especially a Nigerian Yoruba man I have always prided myself on being able to consume meats, lots of it. This was till I walked into a Brazilian restaurant in Nairobi, the capital of Kenya. I had visited the country while I was much younger but I can vaguely recall it and I am confident that the visit then was transitory; so visiting the country again felt like coming to it for the first time.

The impression of Kenya that most people have although I can only speak for myself, is that it is a premium tourist destination, filled with wildlife, savannahs, plains and where man can be one with nature. I am sure Kenya is all those places and more but I am yet to discover that Kenya, what I have seen so far is a country is that remarkably similar to the one I left; our socio-cultural and political eerily mirror each other, Kenya possesses like Nigeria rival ethnic groups and tribes all vying for control and power and all screaming marginalisation when they do not get it. More than anything, the sense that the country is not living up to its greatest potential is palpable.

What we do not have in Nigeria however, at least in Abuja is a Brazilian restaurant, and that I quickly found out is a shame. I walked into the restaurant with a vague understanding of what a Brazilian restaurant offers, to be clear most Brazilian restaurants or Churrascaria (steak house) are based on a Rodizio (continuous service) where passadors (meat carvers) pass from table to table slicing grilled meat directly onto your plates.

What the Brazilians have managed to do is remove the traditional wait-to-be-served system and move the back of house directly to the dining area, it is a mobile continuous grill, it is an Alice in Wonderland experience, it is an excellent place to lose discipline or discover you never had it, and it was a humbling experience for a proud Yoruba man.

On the table with me was Consummate Experience veteran Bayo Imam whom you will recall I had the good fortune of meeting during another Consummate Experience (http://restaurantsinabuja.blogspot.com/2011/03/three-guys-girl-and-english-plate.html) and his lovely Fiancée Meena and her sister. Bayo deserves credit because he found the place and introduced me to Brazilian styled gluttony.

Fogo Gaucho, the restaurant looked to be located in what I am told is the City Centre, the interior of the restaurant was detailed in wood from the floor to the roof, nothing exquisite but it rendered itself very African and authentic; I am yet to understand why exactly but it worked. The dining area would take about 50 covers comfortably. The restaurant wasn’t full, there were few other patrons in the restaurant, and this was because we walked in slightly before 3pm which was the end of that shift to begin again at 7pm.  Figures, I imagine in the 4 hour window they go hunting for more meat.

The ladies had arrived there before Bayo and myself and looking at the ever growing pile of animal flesh on their plate, I knew that I should pace myself; so following Bayo’s lead so I began with a Rudolf Salad, hard lettuce and garlic bread all dripped over with Thousand Island Sauce, if you are familiar with this sauce you know It makes everything taste better, except Rudolf Salad which contains pineapple pieces and sans the sauce still tasted like cattle curdle and yeast, it’s probably named Rudolf Salad because that’s what Rudolf the reindeer would eat. It was a miss.

I was still trying to understand the disappointment in my mouth, when it began. He appeared by my side with a carving knife, he politely asked me if I would like some, I said yes and he graciously went through it with his carving knife and encouraged me to pick it off with the forceps. I did. I thanked him, and was about to begin when someone else appeared by side smiling and asked me if he too could slice for me, I affirmed and thanked him. I once again prepared myself to begin when someone else appeared smiling, asking if he too could cut through some meat for me, well since he offered and was smiling I once again affirmed and was about to begin when someone else appeared. It was then I realised.

This was a torture house, and they were all smiling because they were all sadists and this is how they got their kicks. Hakuna Matata my ass! There was plenty to be worried about!!! So when the next meat dealer came I asked him before he sliced through another portion of meat, to confirm if they had a first-aid kit because it was obvious they were trying to induce cardiac arrest. After I had my fit, Bayo informed me that there was a card on the table next to me that I needed to flip over to the red side to indicate I wasn’t ready for a stroke.

They eventually stopped coming and I was able to concentrate on the meal(s), I honestly cannot tell you how they all tasted as they kept on coming it wasn’t long before I started confusing lamb for chicken and that for sirloin but I will say this much they covered the entire range and it was good enough to keep flipping the serve-card to green.

The walking buffet included Linguica (Pork sausages seasoned in Garlic), Costela (Tender Ribs), Pincanha (Cap of Rump), Frango Com Pimenta (Marinated Chicken Thighs) amongst others and they kept coming. It wasn’t long before I realised that there were limits to my carnivore status, but those damn waiters and their smile, they kept politely enticing you with foreign sounding names and perfectly glazed grilled meat, and I kept saying yes.

After 30 minutes of dedicated silence and concentration, those of us wearing trousers subtlety began to reach under the table to loosen our belt buckles and those that had already done that began to unbutton the pants altogether. There was a chorus of sighs, heavy breathing as only the brave of us continued to nibble.

If we had any troubles stopping ourselves from eating, when Bayo’s sis-in-law, a doctor moved the conversation to testicular abscesses it became incredibly easy for the food intake to halt abruptly. While we were trying to dissuade the doctor from revealing the most lurid details of her trade, a gentlemen of a much bigger disposition waddled his way into the restaurant, I thought for a moment I saw terror in the managers eyes as he calculated how many cattle would have to be separated from the herd for him, but it was past 3pm and they had to usher him out. I don’t know what was discussed but I imagine he told them that he would be back at 7pm, as he made his way out in his finely cut suit that I am sure was made from what was originally a swimming pool trampoline cover.

Time passed, and the rest of our contingent opted for dessert. I am sorry but I draw the line at grilled pineapple, especially after the experience with the Rudolf Salad. As we all waddled out of Jurassic Park, I made what was the genius observation that they should have stretchers that patrons can pick before they begin eating, and they can rent beds for patrons who are overtaken by The Itis. That is an original idea; I did not steal it from Boondocks. Honestly.

I encourage everyone to go to a Brazilian Steak House, as you are bound to get lost in the many options, go at least for the experience. I also encourage teachers to change their biology curriculum to make visiting a Brazilian Steakhouse the practical lesson to understanding the food chain, it may just make more people vegetarians or vegans, all the better, more for me.

Fogo Gaucho is located at Viking House, Westlands, Nairobi Kenya. They can be contacted on +254 (20) 3544037 or on +254 (0) 729 243202, and you can visit their Facebook page to find out more http://www.facebook.com/FogoGaucho/info

Sidenote: Congratulations to frequent Consummate Experience frequenter, Michael Johnson on the birth of his baby boy. Michael is a friend from my university years; he is a stand-up fellow whom happens to have discovered his latent talent for child rearing. He is now the proud father of three children and I congratulate him and wife Uzoezi on the birth of their son, “May the road always rise to meet him”. Amen.