In
my last few entries, unwittingly I have established a trend with the last two
restaurants I have visited, seems I have touched on two of the holy trinity
of Abuja dining according to some, something I only noticed when I happened on
today’s consummate experience.
Chopsticks
Chinese Restaurant for many is the jewel in the crown of Abuja dining, one of
the restaurants that has come to be part of the Abuja social establishment, it
was long ago concluded by many that it was the de facto restaurant for Oriental
dining in the city.
After
a day that included meetings and dilly-dallying on where we should eat, my
colleague and I found ourselves in the restaurant under the auspices of one of
our more senior associates. I am stickler for free food, especially speciality cuisine;
I just wished my colleague had intimated me that we might be dining out and in
fine company; I might have paid more attention to the wardrobe.
Chopsticks
is located on Ministers Hill, in the Maitaima District of Abuja, from my
previous posts you will understand that this area is prime real estate, and is
home to past Presidents, serving officials of Government, Foreign dignitaries and
their ilk, generally the area hosts the kind of money that can reinitiate slavery. The Per
Capita Income of Maitaima is probably more than some small African Countries.
(Coughs: Togo)
I
walked into Chopsticks wearing what can only be described as bathroom slippers,
bright orange flowery beach shorts, and a grey t-shirt with turquoise
trimmings and a three month old beard, now for you that have begun to snicker,
bear in mind that (1) this is a food critique blog, what I wear to these experiences is irrelevant, (2)
if you continue to snicker your throat will be inflicted with severe muscle
spasm.
A
glance around the room and it didn't take advanced maths to realise I stuck out
sorely, and with my penchant for slinging my car keys on a lanyard around my
neck, I looked like the driver of the group, and as though the money-gods of
Maitaima had decided to punish me I was seated with my unfortunate colleagues
smack-dab in the middle of the dining area.
My
choice of threads continued to be the highlight of the evening as the waiter ‘forgot’
to bring me a menu, as he went to correct his error, I cast a glance around the
room to observe. Like most Abuja restaurants, Chopsticks resembled a large
house that had been converted to a restaurant, though at this point most
upscale restaurants all resemble large houses you have to wonder if
the design is deliberate.
The
dining area is spaciously used, sitting an estimate of 40 Persons in the main
atrium of the dining space, there is a pocket right at the back that holds a
bar and intimate dining area carved away from main view, given my attire I was
wondering why they hadn’t set us there. There is an open space outside for
dining alfresco, with a garden of sorts, if the intention was to have a calming
effect for diners who had chosen to dine outside, it worked.
The
décor of the restaurants was non-threatening, that is to say understated; there
was no blaring Chinese music, drawings or insignia, apart from the name it
could be any other restaurant.
The
menus arrived in short order, and we placed our orders, Singapore Noodles, Fish Dishes, Chicken and Mushroom Soup, Shredded Beef in Black Bean
Sauce, the menu was a combination of Schezuan and Cantonese style cooking, our
drinks arrived and as is occurrent around most Nigerian dinner tables, the
discussion moved to politics.
I
have stated on several occasion that this is not a political page but to be a
Nigerian living in Nigeria and in the Capital city; the seat of Power, makes
you two things; a political animal and a die-hard capitalist. The conversations
drifted from the performance or lack of performance thereof of the Incumbent,
to the recent street protests and occupy movements in the country, to the issue
of corruption being systemic or individual, which really is Nature vs Nurture
by another name, luckily something, happened to break the melee.
The
lights began to flicker till they went off completely; I have never actually
experienced the Nigerian Green Movement (which is when the Nigerian
Environmental Protection Agency (NEPA) decides we have consumed enough
electricity and switches off all power to monitor our carbon footprint) in a
restaurant so I was surprised. The lights continued till they dimmed and then I
heard a loud blaring of what I thought was a trumpet.
The
Rapture was happening.
I
was certain that residents of the following areas would not make it, Maitaima,
Aso Rock & Villa, Asokoro, Wuse ll, Apo Legislative Quarters, and quite
possibly Zone 4 and Area 11 Port Harcourt Crescent. I was determined not to
keep them company; I quickly reviewed the happenings of my day and tried to
make amends before Louie Armstrong in the sky would stop playing, but my
immediate past sins against the office of the President were too long for me to
apologise for in one breath, and in my state of despair I heard what sounded
like Stevie Wonder singing, wait a minute, Stevie is blind not dead, what’s he
doing singing celestial homecoming??
Then
it all became clear, a cake with sparkling candles appeared, and Stevie was
actually singing his famous Happy Birthday Song, I looked and saw the little
truant who had caused me to doubt my rapture status (Of course I am going to
Heaven) jumping up and down in anticipation of his cake. I calmed down and
wished that for his fear-mongering he would lose a tooth! What! They are
supposed to come out anyway at that age. And what restaurant still dims the
lights for a cake!!! And it happened twice, another girl had the audacity to be
born on the same day, but at the time I was tucked into my food.
The
food arrived and I am always surprised at how quickly a table steeped in heated debate can be muted by food, never underestimate human
baser instincts. The soup was pleasant but not memorable, again this may be the
fact that I am well accustomed to Chinese cuisine or it could just be that the
soup was not memorable.
I
moved onto my main course which was the shredded beef in black bean sauce, something
else happened on the night that made me seriously question whether the end of
the world was indeed upon us. My fellow diners began to reach across the table
to my side and dip in my bowl of shredded brown meat and carry on like all was
well, now I am no expert but I am sure there is something
in the Geneva convention about human rights, I would have protested but then I had
just the right amount of manners to remember I was there under the good graces
of someone else, and if I established that precedent I would have succeeded in
disabling myself from paying them in kind, and I really wanted that.
The
shredded beef meal wasn’t a revelation, it was safe but it didn’t push any
frontiers or make me bite my tongue, I suppose for that I would need gourmet,
so it was still a very good meal. Rapture did happen that night though, when I heaped
a forkful of Singapore Noodles into my face, I saw trees of trees of green, red roses too, I saw them bloom for me
and you, and I thought to myself what a wonderful world….undoubtedly
Chopsticks serve the best Singapore Noodles in Abuja. They made me want to
confess my sins, to put it simply Goodluck Jonathan will make an inspired
President when you are eating the noodles, Beyonce will make a fine actress,
Ice Prince will be a competent musician and Bankole Wellington will learn
to sing in more than one range or key, in retrospect I honestly think the
Noodles might have been laced with something, but outside of proof of that,
they were phenomenal.
We
finished our meals and the bill was settled, I had a pleasant dining experience
despite my wrong-footed attire and the earlier celestial scare. For many
Chopsticks remains the premier Chinese restaurant in Abuja, I am personally
more disposed to Woks & Koi in Silverbird which has been reviewed here
already. But Chopsticks has its charms, walking out I noticed that there was
another restaurant, Caesars in the same compound with Chopsticks, it looked just
as grand and a place where EFCC-bait came to relax, it piqued my interests. But
not on a day that I had come so close to questioning my salvation.
As
we walked to our cars, I decided that the Christian thing would be to forgive
that little truant for his scare and wish his tooth stay in place………so I did
Chopsticks
Restaurant is located at No.66 Mississippi Street Maitama, Ministers Hill,
Abuja
Sidenote:
For the record, Beyonce can turn it around and become a good actress though at
30 I don’t see it for her, Ice Prince might actually become a very good
lyricist and MC but that actually takes talent, and Bankole Wellington I believe
can actually sing in more than one range once he wins the battle with gravity
and balances the weight of his head, however there are no noodles,
narcotic, brain-washing, indoctrination that can make Goodluck Jonathan an
inspired leader and President.
Disclaimer:
This is all good-natured ribbing, while I do still stand by some of my
criticisms the artistes above are all successful and I respect their hustle,
(in short dem hold pass me so make I comport). I said artistes and not
President, I do not withdraw my statements in his regard.
God
bless you, eat an apple and give to the less privileged, Louie Armstrong in the
sky or not, every day is another opportunity to show kindness.
