A Lesson In Victors House

The French seem to have the market cornered when it comes to things that go in and out of the mouth; they have given us language, a patented display of affection, and cuisine. I must admit that I am not familiar with all three cultural exports (sly grin); I am the least familiar with French cuisine, outside of occasional crepes- which are really pancakes- croissants, French wine and the odd experiment in French Class, I haven’t really been exposed to the French Palate.

 It was with this in mind that I made my march on Chez Victor, the quintessential French restaurant in our nation’s capital, Chez Victor or Victors House is located in the Maitaima District of Abuja, the Maitaima district of course been the haven of the nouveau- riche and others with ill-gotten wealth- yes if it is Nigerian Wealth it is more times than none stolen, and No my Fada doesn’t have a house in Maitaima.

The general architecture of Maitaima whispers, almost as though it doesn’t want to reveal the insane, almost grotesque amount of money it takes to build and live in such abscess luxury, the place hides itself behind hills and trees, and Chez Victor is no different, it is very easy to drive past it. It is unassuming, almost as if the owners didn’t care if you drove by, it stays there unnoticed, shy-if not for the solitary sign indicating that you were indeed at Victors House.

It is in a walled compound with a rather bland gate, that doesn’t grant you view to see if Victor has opened his doors or not, I had to knock on the gate to make sure they were open. Just before I stepped in a Jeep pulled up to the gate, it was the United Nations variety, white, sturdy and ordinary looking. The window wound down and Mr.UN asked me if “we” were open for the night, we? Oui? We, the Federal Republic of Nigeria? We, Joint Chiefs of a can of whoopass?

It took me a second to gather if he automatically assumed I was a member of staff because I was “indigenous” looking, or because I was standing at gate and resembled the gateman, or maybe because my wardrobe looked like the waiter attire-to him- my taste in fashion is unimpeachable, my wallet is another thing. I decided it was a harmless question and spared him my Amistad rhetoric, and told him “it” was open. Discarding Mr UN, I walked into Victors house for what would turn out to be a consummate experience.

At the entrance, Victor had put a waiter to welcome you with a smile and open the door, walking in you notice that the restaurant is actually a house that has been decompartmentalized and the expanse used very well to accommodate a busy hall, the dining hall has been maximised to contain a healthy crowd.

I noticed a bi-racial family tucking away into their food, I could only imagine that Victor had stunned their mouths into silence. I was right. I asked the waiter to show me a quiet table, and he translated this to mean I was embarrassed at eating alone and gave me a table away from plain sight behind a wall. This in the end worked for me, as I was waiting to see if they would forget me behind there.

They didn’t, they were swift in bringing the menu and lighting the candle on my table, as though I told Mr. Waiterman I wanted to fall in love with myself, but it was standard operating procedure I suppose. The menu had a good range of meets, seafood and sweets to choose from, from continental French Africa to France itself. I was looking forward to the wine list and didn’t find it, I assumed it wasn’t available and settled for a coke on the rocks, with lime. (Cokes on the rocks sounds so classy), I should do a Bond Impersonation one day and ask the bartender for Bournvita shaken not stirred.

Anyway, back to Victor, I later found out that the wine menu was separate and in retrospect my wallet was better for it, I ordered for my starter the Bisque de Langoustes- which was Lobster Soup with crab, carrot, fresh tarragon & cream served with Parmesean Crustini and garnished with Prawns. So somehow it was the equivalent of a Lobster eating a crab, then chewing on a carrot while swimming in cream and then being eaten by a prawn. It was heavenly and I am still not convinced that Victor didn’t spike it with syrup, ‘cos i checked the constitution nothing is allowed to be that sweet, hell just thinking about it is likely to induce diabetes. It was like an aquarium of dead (RIP) crustaceans, and they were everywhere. In fact the more I think about it, Victor spiked the meal, at one point I attempted to lick the bowl and remembered I was in civilized company. Although it arrived later the soup was served with freshly baked bread rolls that released their centre in one glorious surrender of steam, everything that touched them melted, including my palate. Resistance was futile.

 The main meal, Langoustes braisee a l’ail pommes sautees persillees – which was Barbecued Lobster served with sautéed potatoes with garlic and parsley.

As you can probably tell by now, Victor’s menu is deliberately declarative and so is the cooking. The main course arrived shortly after the starter, and Mon Dieu, from the presentation to the finished article, Victor couldn’t have done it any better. The lobster had been split into two equal parts, and barbecued till the white meat was hard but soft enough to be swallowed, like a sponge, it cut away with the littlest difficult and my brain had trouble computing what to put in first, the golden potatoes or the lobster meat- in the end I took them on in equal measure which is how I Imagine civilised people eat.

I suppose a Chef hasn’t done his/her job till you are confused as to how to divide your attention on a plate, I have heard Victor makes the round in the dining hall, he didn’t that night and it was safer for him, ‘cos at that moment I wasn’t above blindfolding him with a table napkin and kidnapping him to a life of servitude in my kitchen.

Somewhere in the background there were hearty attempts at some birthday song, I could care less I was only grateful Victor had been born. I paid my bill and walked out, N8100 shorter. As I walked out I wondered why the French hadn’t colonised the land mass north of Cameroon.

Chez Victor is located on 7 Ganges Street, Ministers Hills, Maitama, Abuja, they Can be reached on +234 805 746 7032 or on +234 803 591 1997. The email address is chezvictorabuja@aol.com

An Evening In The Belly Of A Bird

Frequent visitors to this site, will understand by now my penchant for the orient, and its appeal to me. However, this consummate experience wasn’t fostered by any real intention to visit Chinese cuisine; I had intended to go watch a movie at the Silverbird Cinemas- Morning Glory to be exact, when I was informed that the picture 

wouldn’t be showing at the time advertised due to a technical glitch.

In my wandering around the floors of the Silverbird Entertainment Center, I wounded up in Woks & Koi Chinese restaurant, while I am convinced that my actions were arbitrary I also know that at any point I could have stopped them, I didn’t and wound up spending an evening sampling, once again, Chinese cuisine.

Woks & Koi restaurant is a fine and welcome addition to the Silverbird Entertainment Center, I have always commended the industry of the Noyinbo^TM brothers, Ben Bruce & Sons, yeah that’s right- I said noyinbo (the Curious Case of Benibo Bruce) which is my trademarked term for people of mixed race.

As I was carrying on earlier, Woks & Koi is a fine addition to the general architecture of the entertainment Centre, it isn’t in plain view, you have to go look for it, if you are inclined to walking- and if you are more inclined to shortcuts, getting the elevator to the second level will bring you face to face with Woks.

Opening the door, or more precisely having the door open for you, you will be hit with sticks, no- you didn’t misread, and you will be hit with the sight of bamboo sticks. The interior decorator- aware of the invasiveness of having a restaurant in the middle of an entertainment centre has decided to remove the glare, the attention and most especially the lights. The decorator is a vampire. Kidding.

Walking into restaurant, you are removed from the noise and pace of the centre outside, it’s almost like you are stepping into a vacuum. The lights are dimmed, and reflected to give it a reddish glow, the entire sprawl of the restaurant is separated by bamboo sticks, and there is excellent use of space, as there is bar at the far end of the room, a welcome area for patrons who might have to wait to be seated, or are simply there for their take away menu. The central dining area is divided between, two/four seater arrangement, and as mentioned earlier, it is all divided by bamboo sticks exquisitely done. Towards the rear there are couches spread across the back wall, for a larger crowd and more intimate environment.

I chose a table close to the wall in the middle of the hall, allowing me to peer through what little opening there was in the blind, and discover if I needed to do what was happening outside of the vacuum. Having not sat for all of one minute, a waiter with a name tag welcomed me-yes people a name tag – announcing he was Joseph, and he very well needed to be in his coats of Chinese colours.

The menu was presented and I opted for a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, Chinese Potstickers for starters (Pork dumplings) and for the main course, Calamari in Chilli sauce. Menu set, agenda approved.

While I sat and waited for my meal, I sampled the wine, standard really, but I detected a strong hint of pepper in it which made me question if they had served me the right wine, I made a mental note to stop being cheap and buy the entire bottle. I continued to wait for my meal, I sampled the variety of nuts they had on the table- this restaurant understood the how to be restaurateurs.

As is my custom I took in the entire restaurants and its patron to see if I would be privy to priceless human interactions, much like the episode in Cafe 24 earlier in the year, however apart from the bald Tosin Beckford and his Noyinbo date, the place was pretty empty.

My potstickers arrived on pan complete with all its accompanying condiments, I dug into it, and the pork was rolled into a thin and elastic skin of dough, the skin on the bottom of the dumpling was crispy as it looked as it had stuck to the pot- and I have since learnt that this is where it gets its name from. It was like it looked, elastic and simple. I found the choice of accompanying sauce to be the revelation of the night, I failed in my enthusiasm to ask the waiter what it was, it was in the same effort, sour and citric, and it was the perfect chaperon to the potstickers as they made their way into my alimentary canal. Woks & Koi is the reason the consummate experience was so named, restauranteering should be a complete experience from arrival to departure, a process of eager welcome to accomplished good-byes.

Before my meal was served, I was presented with a hot towel to cleanse my hands should I abandon pretensions and decide that my hands were the best tool for feeding myself, a napkin was placed in my lap- and then my meal came. I have fond memories of calamari, which is squid by another name, from a much younger age; I remember it been battered in some butter laced ingredient and the end results were glorious. In ordering the meal, I expected the same results. But what was eventually presented to me, and in rather attractive ensemble, platter and all was a steamed and boiled dish covered in fresh vegetables.

It was perhaps my disappointment in not having it grilled or fried that transcended on my eventual (dis)regard for the meal, it was nice, and the fault in ordering had been mine. I will say this much, the accompanying rich dish stayed true to Chinese cuisine and was prepared with Gluten. I emptied my glass and sorted out my bill, leaving the welcoming hold of Woks & Koi N6200 lighter.

As I walked out of the restaurant, I noticed it had begun to fill out, the Incredible Bulk and his Noyinbo date were in animated conversation, and other patrons had arrived, everyone seemed to be drawn to the television where an engaging Presidential Debate was ensuing, I stepped out into the lights and sounds of the entertainment centre and pondered how many Chinese meals it would take to get me to sell my vote.

Woks & Koi Chinese Restaurant is located in the Silverbird Entertainment Centre Plot 1161, Memorial Drive Central Business Area. They can be reached on 09-8746884, or on 07028002165