Humble Beginning: My Foray Into Italy A La La Dolce Vita

I have always had a healthy appetite for cheese based meals, throw into the mix generous portions of meat- I am African- and we are in business!!! This informed my decision to begin my restaurant review at what I presumed was an Italian Restaurant. By the end of this review, you can make your own conclusion as to the definition of Italian. 

La Dolce Vita is located in the Wuse II District, Wuse II being a hybrid of the city’s penchant for the elaborate and its ability to recede to ordinary everyday Nigerian Life. La Dolce’s welcoming sign boldly displays that it is a Pizzeria, Bar & Restaurant.

Naturally when Pizzeria & Restaurant are in the same sentence, I assume Italian, in retrospect might not have been a fair assumption. I walked into the Plaza and the door was promptly opened for me by a man in a La Dolce t-shirt, - hmmmm good service, or the Oga Factor- hunger was wiring me (Insert Translation here: I was famished)

I rode the elevator three flights up- yes, if there is electricity and a functioning lift- exercise be damned. I opened the door of the restaurant and appeared in Narnia, ok seriously, I walked into the restaurant, and the first thing I was met with is the bar & the decor. The bar is complete with stools and lighting, almost like the decorator was trying to throw you into a vortex taking you back to the rat-pack era, Sinatra et al, still not decided if this is a good thing, as Chuks and Secondus behind the bar weren’t properly attired to lend to the theme.

Having said that the eponymous restaurant gets its name from the legendary movie La Dolce Vita, so expect to see a lot of movie memorabilia and movie posters, this works well for the Lounge which is thinly separated from the dining area with thin multi-coloured veils curtains. Honestly standing on the other side, you half expect to see Cleopatra make an entrance. Light Bulb moment, A restaurant Called Narnia with Egyptian Belly Dancers (Copyright, or Intellectual Property, meaning I will Sue if such a restaurant becomes reality without me on the payroll somehow)

Ehen, so I sat down at my table, there was no table for a two person- dinner, either the owner was looking to maximise space or s/he grew up with many brothers/sisters and one calabash. The Four person table was covered in red-white chequered table cloth, reminiscent of something in small town Italy, it worked. Akpan forgot to clean the table because there were still ashes from the previous occupants; there is no distinction for smoking or non-smoking section. Nor can there be, the dining area isn’t that big.

I ordered Mushroom Soup as a starter and Spaghetti Carbona with a Glass of Sangiovese Red Italy of course, to wash it down- from a waiter who didn’t provide his name or a smile, like the others I have named here; I’d like to imagine his name is Paulinus. Yes, yes, let’s call him that. Paulinus didn’t display any familiarity with his menu, and wasn’t able to provide me with a chef’s special. Asking for a sommelier after my conversation with Paulinus, would have just been cruel. The menu was limited as far as I see it, if you are going to go Italian, you cannot leave out Linguini, Ravioli or Lasagna, and what the hell is Goat Pepper Soup doing on the menu!!!! The Pizza section was extensive

So after ordering my starter at 19:26 it arrived ten minutes later, I am stickler for good mushroom soup, and when I have it in La Dolce Vita I will let you know. (Shout out to Blue Elephant in Port Harcourt) It was more onion than mushroom, and what it lacked for in quality and composition it made up for in volume. The Chef’s application of cream here was the equivalent of wearing perfume, hair gel and deodorant, it smelled nice but the body was dry and inelastic.

Did I finish it, Yes ke! Of course I did, there is a higher principle here, and children are starving the world over. After the abortion that was my soup, the redeemer lay in the main course, now the way I figure if you serve Italian you can’t go wrong with pasta right? Wrong!

See, I have had eye trouble in the past, but I am quite confident that what I was served wasn’t pasta/spaghetti but a superhero version of the Nigerian Staple Indomie Noodles. (Someone alert De United Foods to sue for False Representation? Someone? Anyone?)

I say superhero because the noodles looked decidedly more bulky and it almost seemed to shimmer in the hot moist, bath of steam it was served with, but it was not Pasta or Spaghetti and the bacon bits resembled large chunks of pork fried into a metallic state ( it was some sort of meat, so no beef there! All puns intended). In the mix with what I can only hope was celery, was something akin to semi-liquid bits of Peak Milk, I was assured it was intended to be egg bits, as if that somehow would assuage me!! Milk  eggs in a Carbona Dish!!

If it looked suspicious it tasted even more suspect, the Parmesan Cheese I sprinkled on it was all I could do to avoid the greasy slippery taste of 419 down my throat, sigh! And yes I finished the meal as well, is it your money?? But before then I had to balance the need for a review & hunger VS possible food poisoning, it would seem in the end my visa to Italy had been granted but I ended up in Hades. The wine was just right, not saying much you can hardly go wrong with red.

I finished the meal and walked out desolate, N5600 short and with the cold metallic taste of regret down my throat all by 20:00. In the end La Dolce Vita has a good thing going, nice crowd, ambience, it should however upgrade Chuks, Secondus & Paulinus and fire the Chef! Ok that seems a bit harsh, all that is needed is for two plates of Italian Cuisine to be placed in front of Le-Cheat Chef Conman, person, One plate of Original Italian Cuisine and the other his own misadventurous drivel. After a taste of the original, and his own submission, he will promptly run out the kitchen, through the dinner area, out the lounge onto the Rooftop Terrace and jump. Case solved.

On my way out a new crowd of what was apparently British Citizens came in for a meal, I left with a grin confident that someone else would be looking at the definition of Italian that night.

La Dolce Vita Restaurant is located at Safire Plaza 1066 Ademola Adetokunbo Crescent, Wuse II, Abuja.

Phone Number: +234 (0)8057828087

                           +234(0)7040045579

** Sidenote: I Apologise for not having visuals here, I didn't take a camera with me, lest Secondus show me his second side (Couldn't help it) and I have recently had my blackberries accosted, and it is my sincere wish that e no go better for who carry am (Translation: The thief will experience displeasure and discomfort)

It should be noted that La Dolce Vita hosts Karoke on Friday Nights and it promises to be good fun.