Roaming Edition: On Top of the Food Chain

Man undoubtedly has been placed on top of the food chain by nature, by the universe, by God or whatever deity you believe in. We are veritably on top, for those of you that have any doubts walk into a Brazilian restaurant, whatever doubts you walked in with you will leave there on your way out.

As an African man, especially a Nigerian Yoruba man I have always prided myself on being able to consume meats, lots of it. This was till I walked into a Brazilian restaurant in Nairobi, the capital of Kenya. I had visited the country while I was much younger but I can vaguely recall it and I am confident that the visit then was transitory; so visiting the country again felt like coming to it for the first time.

The impression of Kenya that most people have although I can only speak for myself, is that it is a premium tourist destination, filled with wildlife, savannahs, plains and where man can be one with nature. I am sure Kenya is all those places and more but I am yet to discover that Kenya, what I have seen so far is a country is that remarkably similar to the one I left; our socio-cultural and political eerily mirror each other, Kenya possesses like Nigeria rival ethnic groups and tribes all vying for control and power and all screaming marginalisation when they do not get it. More than anything, the sense that the country is not living up to its greatest potential is palpable.

What we do not have in Nigeria however, at least in Abuja is a Brazilian restaurant, and that I quickly found out is a shame. I walked into the restaurant with a vague understanding of what a Brazilian restaurant offers, to be clear most Brazilian restaurants or Churrascaria (steak house) are based on a Rodizio (continuous service) where passadors (meat carvers) pass from table to table slicing grilled meat directly onto your plates.

What the Brazilians have managed to do is remove the traditional wait-to-be-served system and move the back of house directly to the dining area, it is a mobile continuous grill, it is an Alice in Wonderland experience, it is an excellent place to lose discipline or discover you never had it, and it was a humbling experience for a proud Yoruba man.

On the table with me was Consummate Experience veteran Bayo Imam whom you will recall I had the good fortune of meeting during another Consummate Experience (http://restaurantsinabuja.blogspot.com/2011/03/three-guys-girl-and-english-plate.html) and his lovely Fiancée Meena and her sister. Bayo deserves credit because he found the place and introduced me to Brazilian styled gluttony.

Fogo Gaucho, the restaurant looked to be located in what I am told is the City Centre, the interior of the restaurant was detailed in wood from the floor to the roof, nothing exquisite but it rendered itself very African and authentic; I am yet to understand why exactly but it worked. The dining area would take about 50 covers comfortably. The restaurant wasn’t full, there were few other patrons in the restaurant, and this was because we walked in slightly before 3pm which was the end of that shift to begin again at 7pm.  Figures, I imagine in the 4 hour window they go hunting for more meat.

The ladies had arrived there before Bayo and myself and looking at the ever growing pile of animal flesh on their plate, I knew that I should pace myself; so following Bayo’s lead so I began with a Rudolf Salad, hard lettuce and garlic bread all dripped over with Thousand Island Sauce, if you are familiar with this sauce you know It makes everything taste better, except Rudolf Salad which contains pineapple pieces and sans the sauce still tasted like cattle curdle and yeast, it’s probably named Rudolf Salad because that’s what Rudolf the reindeer would eat. It was a miss.

I was still trying to understand the disappointment in my mouth, when it began. He appeared by my side with a carving knife, he politely asked me if I would like some, I said yes and he graciously went through it with his carving knife and encouraged me to pick it off with the forceps. I did. I thanked him, and was about to begin when someone else appeared by side smiling and asked me if he too could slice for me, I affirmed and thanked him. I once again prepared myself to begin when someone else appeared smiling, asking if he too could cut through some meat for me, well since he offered and was smiling I once again affirmed and was about to begin when someone else appeared. It was then I realised.

This was a torture house, and they were all smiling because they were all sadists and this is how they got their kicks. Hakuna Matata my ass! There was plenty to be worried about!!! So when the next meat dealer came I asked him before he sliced through another portion of meat, to confirm if they had a first-aid kit because it was obvious they were trying to induce cardiac arrest. After I had my fit, Bayo informed me that there was a card on the table next to me that I needed to flip over to the red side to indicate I wasn’t ready for a stroke.

They eventually stopped coming and I was able to concentrate on the meal(s), I honestly cannot tell you how they all tasted as they kept on coming it wasn’t long before I started confusing lamb for chicken and that for sirloin but I will say this much they covered the entire range and it was good enough to keep flipping the serve-card to green.

The walking buffet included Linguica (Pork sausages seasoned in Garlic), Costela (Tender Ribs), Pincanha (Cap of Rump), Frango Com Pimenta (Marinated Chicken Thighs) amongst others and they kept coming. It wasn’t long before I realised that there were limits to my carnivore status, but those damn waiters and their smile, they kept politely enticing you with foreign sounding names and perfectly glazed grilled meat, and I kept saying yes.

After 30 minutes of dedicated silence and concentration, those of us wearing trousers subtlety began to reach under the table to loosen our belt buckles and those that had already done that began to unbutton the pants altogether. There was a chorus of sighs, heavy breathing as only the brave of us continued to nibble.

If we had any troubles stopping ourselves from eating, when Bayo’s sis-in-law, a doctor moved the conversation to testicular abscesses it became incredibly easy for the food intake to halt abruptly. While we were trying to dissuade the doctor from revealing the most lurid details of her trade, a gentlemen of a much bigger disposition waddled his way into the restaurant, I thought for a moment I saw terror in the managers eyes as he calculated how many cattle would have to be separated from the herd for him, but it was past 3pm and they had to usher him out. I don’t know what was discussed but I imagine he told them that he would be back at 7pm, as he made his way out in his finely cut suit that I am sure was made from what was originally a swimming pool trampoline cover.

Time passed, and the rest of our contingent opted for dessert. I am sorry but I draw the line at grilled pineapple, especially after the experience with the Rudolf Salad. As we all waddled out of Jurassic Park, I made what was the genius observation that they should have stretchers that patrons can pick before they begin eating, and they can rent beds for patrons who are overtaken by The Itis. That is an original idea; I did not steal it from Boondocks. Honestly.

I encourage everyone to go to a Brazilian Steak House, as you are bound to get lost in the many options, go at least for the experience. I also encourage teachers to change their biology curriculum to make visiting a Brazilian Steakhouse the practical lesson to understanding the food chain, it may just make more people vegetarians or vegans, all the better, more for me.

Fogo Gaucho is located at Viking House, Westlands, Nairobi Kenya. They can be contacted on +254 (20) 3544037 or on +254 (0) 729 243202, and you can visit their Facebook page to find out more http://www.facebook.com/FogoGaucho/info

Sidenote: Congratulations to frequent Consummate Experience frequenter, Michael Johnson on the birth of his baby boy. Michael is a friend from my university years; he is a stand-up fellow whom happens to have discovered his latent talent for child rearing. He is now the proud father of three children and I congratulate him and wife Uzoezi on the birth of their son, “May the road always rise to meet him”. Amen.

Entering China Through the Express

I find I have to confess another bias, I love Chinese, and I am a Self-Confessed Sinophile, I love the culture, rich heritage, film and food! And say what you like Bruce Lee rocks!!! Enter the Dragon Baby!!!

Like I mentioned in my last post the Chinese are everywhere, one billion trillion of them, China isn’t big enough; the healthy import of this is that they have exported considerable parts of their culture to the world. Their recent predominance in world affairs (leave me I studied it in school) means that like the many colonialists genuine businessmen before them, they have new-found interest in Africa.

As Nigeria is known never to carry last (Insert Translation: Nigerians have a healthy appetite for competition and always win!!!) we have been experiencing our own influx, and it is evident from the less suspicious Chinese restaurants springing up around the capital city, and the more ominous giant CCCC- Chinese Colonialist Construction Corporation- Ripping you off since 2010- Allah that is their slogan!!! (Honestly can anyone get that CCCC acronym right)?

And while I am wont to discuss the benefits of Foreign Direct Investment or the disadvantages of Corporate Imperialism, Goodluck hasn’t commissioned my humble submission that I- yes I- should be made Minister of Foreign Affairs, so I took a day off from my posturing and political grandstanding and swung by the new Chinese restaurant in the Wuse II District of Abuja, and I will tell you all about it after a message from our corporate sponsors.

(Insert Voiceover: Welcome to China!!!! Most of us have watched the late great big boss Bruce Lee in one of his action movie films, and we have all seen someone wear the perhaps not-original-but-close-to-it latest fashion from China, ever wanted to go to China???? Embassy turn you down??? Sad Face?? Not anymore!!!! Offering you your one stop shop Visa Procurement Agency!!! Idon Fraud & Sons guarantees you Visa to the orient for a discounted fee, our consulting team includes renowned spiritualists & prayer warriors and T.B Joshua!!!!. Visit us at Unit 419 Alaba International Ultra-Modern Bluetooth Wireless Market) and now to our regular scheduled programme......

I walked into the Chinese Express and I will say this much, the greatest testament to any Chinese restaurant is to see actual Chinese people eating there –no not Lebanese- actual Chinese people, with that said I sat down, confident that the proceedings could only get better. The Chinese Express has a dual system- operating with both A la Carte and buffet- for the person on the go and those that can spare time.

Like most non-gourmet restaurants the furniture is functional, wooden tables and comfortable steel chairs, they however go to elaborate lengths to create the feel of a Chinese den, expect to see Ceiling lights draped in red paper fabric in what looked like a bamboo cylinder with tassels- and while I visited in the afternoon I imagine they give a pleasant luminous feel at night, resembling homely lanterns. The massive flat-screen was tuned to a Chinese station and as is custom it was muted while the speakers softly gave out sounds of the orient- gentle string music. 

The owners were leaving you in no doubt what the nationality of the establishment was, which is fine, it is after all named Chinese Express. While I waited to be served, the waiter who was attending to another table tripped over a table leg and the Chapman cocktail he was taking to a ladies table, flew off his serving tray and landed on mine perfectly, emptying its sugary-syrupy contents into my unsuspecting mouth- True story!! I only drink masculine drinks like Cognac and Jack Daniels and stuff, and that’s the only plausible explanation of how that drink would end up on my table. True Story!!!! Not like I ordered it- Tiger Rwwarrhhhhh!!!! See, very masculine.

After apologizing profusely for his folly, the waiter who we should call- hmmmm- Pooch, yep Pooch!! (Honestly restaurants need to get their waiters name tags or tell em’ to introduce themselves) Pooch refilled my glass with masculine content, and asked me what I would like, skimming through the menu my eyes settled on yet another plus for the restaurant, Aromatic Duck , that is yet another standard by which I judge a real Chinese Restaurant. I however didn’t subscribe to the Avian Platter, I opted to try a meat dish, and I opted for the Lamb with Green Pepper in Black Bean Sauce. Simple.

After a proportionate amount of time, my meal arrived, I was impressed and disappointed in equal measure, impressed that the chef obviously understood how to manage time, but disappointed that this restaurant wouldn’t provide me with fodder to dwell on or eavesdrop on. Just as the meal had arrived on time, everything else was happening within expected parameters. Then It Happened.

A bunch of armed robbers dressed in Halloween costumes ran into the restaurant, armed with Bow and Arrow and horsewhips, they ordered all of us on the floor while threatening to either release the bow or the whip, and as Yoruba men are always known to run to live to fight run another day, I gently and quietly- masculine drink in hand- lay down, after demanding that the till be emptied, they also demanded that the frightened manager pack a takeaway meal for them. True Story.

While this was happening, the Chef who up until now had remained hidden behind clouds of steam and the kitchen door, snuck out spatula and whisk in hand, he promptly disarmed the first bandit with a flash of the hand, and swift movement of the leg.........See you!!! You too like ‘tory. Na Lie o....I must have drifted off.

The Chef actually did make an appearance and he was a comely, wizened tall Chinese gentleman, he looked like he had fought many a battle in the kitchen. As I mentioned earlier, the restaurant didn’t provide much in the way of conversations to eavesdrop on or human interaction to spin. The group that I met there, the Chinese contingent was just about rounding up; they had obviously enjoyed their meal and were clearly suffering from the Itis (watch Season One: Episode Ten of the Boondocks) they were having a rapid staccato conversation, and the sole Nigerian who I imagined was their guide was seated quietly, occasionally checking her wristwatch and probably calculating mentally the exchange rate of the Chinese Yuan to the Naira.

One of the ladies in the contingent stood up to go to the bathroom, dear readers if you encounter a Chinese lady with Beyonce-esque features, let me know.

While casting my eye across the spread of the Express, I had failed to notice that Pooch didn’t bring the meal with the natural accompanying rice dish, and while I had assumed that the meal came with rice, Pooch should have pointed out what he saw to be an anomaly. What is it with waiters and not serving the complete meal, same thing happened with Vero at Cafe 24 (whose real name I have since confirmed is Euphrates: she should be happier called Vero).

Luckily I was able to order rice from their buffet section and not wait for it, while Pooch once again apologized. The meal wasn’t elaborate, and after tasting it, it didn’t have to be. There was no flourish or embellishment, it was simply Chinese and by that I do not mean the type of food, I mean it was lean, efficient and functional- like a Toyota- which I am well aware is Japanese. And while comparing a meal to a Toyota might not be the best description that is what the meal was to me, functional.

Perhaps I have had too much Chinese, but the meal did not hold any surprises for me, the lamb was coated in sauces when it had to be, rubbery when it had to be, tough when it had to be and then soft all at the same time. In other words, my meal was either a Transformer or schizophrenic, which in the end cannot be an easy feat.  I think I might have to have another dish there, and if the worst thing I can say about the meal I had was that it had split personalities, then I am sure the next one will be yet a surprise.

I emptied the remaining contents of my very masculine drink and exited expressly (see what I did there) N3500 lighter, as I walked out of the premises I was met with the obvious structure that is Banex Plaza immediately opposite Chinese Express, quite visibly I could watch my Igbo brothers scurry around as they tried and succeeded to convince many a buyers that their wares and Cds (all doctored and pirated from China) were the latest and Original, I mused on how the Chinese and Nigerians are not so different, Chinese sef No dey carry Last.

   

The Chinese Express Restaurant & Takeaway is Located at 44, Monrovia Street, Off Aminu Kano Crescent in the Wuse ll District of Abuja . They can be reached on 07043067888 & 08032413557 or emailed at chinesexpress@yahoo.com

**Sidenote: I am happy to announce that the Chicken Hurricane Meal I have been campaigning to have re-instated on the Cafe 24 menu has been (drum roll please) re-instated!!!! I have since been told that it was there ever since and I must not have seen it, I will continue to believe that it is my relentless advocacy and the countless amounts of Naira spent on me by others. And Vero or Euphrates is actually called Eucharia but I heard Euphrates and I think we all prefer it (just kidding).

Disclaimer: All views expressed in this are for comic effect, and not entirely the view of the author, I say this confident in the abilities of the likes of Jackie Chan, Jet Li and their compatriots, I will not like to have my ass kicked, my own muscles are simply cosmetic. I also harbour intentions to travel to Hong Kong one day and in case there are any Chinese Embassy Officials reading this, I was clowning. We are all God’s children. Gimme Visa.

On a more serious note, while speaking on China Let us all, spare a minute to pray for Japan, in the end we are all truly God’s Children.